The word nerd means different things to different people. The kids who threw the word at me growing up most likely used it instead of other words like lame or dumb. The adults who used the term generally meant it to mean intelligent but unbalanced with a severe lack of fashion sense or people skills.
However, when I used the word to describe myself, it was for none of the above reasons. I called myself a nerd because there was no other descriptor I could use to portray the immense joy and excitement I would get when immersing myself in particular things.
One of those things that never failed to spark joy was none other than Lord of the Rings. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been obsessed with the story and the characters, regardless of format. From books to audiobooks, radio plays, movies and games, there is something about the world that J. R. R. Tolkien created that almost compels me.
And it’s for this reason that when The Lord of the Rings: Gollum was first announced, I was excited, and then when I heard Daedalic Entertainment was behind it, I grew even happier because, in my eyes, the studio behind the Deponia franchise, could and would, do no wrong…
Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this review, I want it to be known that I do try and see the best in games. Not just because it’s a form of entertainment that I love and want others to enjoy but also because I recognise that someone made it, and there is nothing that takes more guts than having something you created served on a platter for the world to pick and pull apart.
However, at the same time, I don’t believe in sugarcoating things or lying. Because of that, I must say that The Lord of the Rings: Gollum is neither fun nor pretty. The game is also not entertaining or engaging, but the one thing that is is, even though it pains me to say, is bad. It’s a really bad game.
Conceptionally, The Lord of the Rings: Gollum had everything going for it. Yes, I want to play a game as Gollum. Yes, I want to learn more about Sméagol. However, Daedalic Entertainment did nothing with this idea beyond coming up with it.
At its core, each level can be stripped down to three phases, which, if ranked, would be rated from boring to make-it-stop and ending with can-i-go-play-outside-now. Every level will see the players, as Gollum, travel from one point to another to complete some unmemorable and menial talk. During this time, players will be introduced to new-ish mechanics like crawling or climbing.
Then players will progress to a platforming phase, which honestly wouldn’t be bad if it wasn’t for the fact that controlling Gollum took me back to the imprecise days of the PlayStation 1 and had me reevaluating every time I’ve ever said I enjoy platformer games in the past.
And then, finally, there’s the worst part of the game, which is a feat in itself considering how bad everything is, the stealth segments. Now, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I suck at stealth in games, and when given a choice, I would rather go into any situation with guns blazing and then deal with the consequences than try my luck at sneaking around.
But even though I’m not great at the stealth mechanic, I appreciate it. It’s a part of video games that my partner truly enjoys. Yet, even they could not handle the poorly implemented stealth sections in The Lord of the Rings: Gollum. Now I could dedicate this entire review to just ranting and raving about this stupid mechanic, but instead, I’ll say that if The Lord of the Rings: Gollum turns out to be a social experiment aimed at getting people to stop playing games altogether – this is the mechanic that is going to break people.
The reason why stealth is such a form of constant frustration is because it does not exist. The enemies in the game are stuck in continuous loops, walking the same paths repeatedly. They also all suffer from sight issues and seem to have all forgotten their glasses. To pass any of these sections, players must exploit the enemy’s painfully obvious blind spots and be done with it.
Now the reason why this is the worst and why when I stand on a knee-high rock, and enemies can no longer see me, I want to throw the game in the trash and never play another game again is that this system takes everything I hate about stealth, the slow pace and the waiting turns it up to 1,000 and then removes all sense of achievement or accomplishment for enduring it.
And then, we have the proverbial cherry on the cake—chase sequences to mix things up. Now I’m no stranger to these sequences; I grew up playing Crash Bandicoot, after all. But there is something about seeing Gollum run towards the camera and having to dodge objects with imprecise platforming and the inability to see obstacles until it’s almost too late that doesn’t conjure the same nostalgia that the developers were going for.
Instead of being transported to a long-forgotten period of my life where I was lying on my tummy, playing games on my parent’s old bubble TV, snacks in hand, I was instead back to sitting in a classroom, staring at a clock that ticked so slowly I could swear it was moving backwards, praying for something to come and take me away, be it aliens or death – I had no preference.
All that being said, I don’t know who The Lord of the Rings: Gollum is aimed at or who would enjoy it. As a fan of the source material, I found myself unengaged and disappointed, and as a fan of the studio behind the game, I found myself questioning everything that led me to this point.
I also found myself wondering if anyone in the art department had thought to go to an optometrist for a checkup because that’s the only reason why I could think the world would look so flat, lifeless and dull, and that’s not even talking about the eyesore that is Gollum.
But even if you strip everything I’ve spoken about away, the stealth mechanics, level design, lousy controls, art and story, what you’re left with is this shallow husk that could barely be called a game, infected to its core with bugs and glitches and if I’m being frank, it’s the most like Gollum than anything else in this game, which should say more than any other words possibly can.
