Over the last few weeks, I have fallen in love with gaming again. For the first time in a long time, I’ve been spending any and all my free time getting lost in various games and forgetting about all those pesky adult responsibilities like showers and sleep. One of the games that had me purring with joy was Crypt Custodian.
Crypt Custodian had been sitting on my Steam wishlist for so long, it was practically covered in digital dust bunnies. So when I realized it was finally going to be released, I found myself periodically checking Steam, much like a cat eyeing the food bowl, counting down the minutes until release.
Then, when I could finally add it to my cart, buy it, and start playing, I found myself in one of my business gaming weeks in recent memory and not sure if I even had the mental capacity for the game anymore. But before I knew it, I was 15 hours in, fully engrossed, and having some of the most fun I’ve had in a game in ages—in a Metroidvania, no less. Crypt Custodian had me hooked like a cat to a laser pointer.
If you haven’t already picked it up from the included cat jokes, cover image, or screenshots, the premise for Crypt Custodian is as delightfully absurd as a cat chasing its own tail. You take on the role of a recently deceased cat named Pluto who, after losing all nine of his lives in true cat fashion, finds himself in the afterlife. There, he waits to discover if he’s headed to the good place, where the sunbeams are endless, or the bad place, where the only thing on the menu is stale kibble.
Now, I’m not going to be the spoiler of stories (no one likes a cat who spills the milk), but after being judged, Pluto is sentenced to cleaning up the afterlife… for all eternity. Before long, he crosses paths with other souls who have been dealt the same un-fur-tunate fate, and pretty soon, an uprising in the afterlife is in the works, with you, Pluto, as its fearless leader.
I’m not one to make sweeping statements in my reviews, but it’s just a fact that if that premise didn’t warm your chest cavity, then you have no heart, which means you can feel no love, no passion and certainly no appreciation for a cat’s purr or a good game. So, maybe you shouldn’t even be here. For everyone else, how freaking adorable does that sound?
Now, onto the real meat and potatoes – or should I say the tuna and kibble – of Crypt Custodian. The game’s charm doesn’t just lie in its setup but in its gameplay, and let me tell you, it’s as satisfying as finding the perfect sunny spot on the carpet. The entire game is played from a top-down, Zelda-esque perspective, evoking memories of beloved games like Tunic and Death’s Door.
And while at first, the game might seem as straightforward as a cat’s path to the food bowl, with not many secrets to uncover, before you know it, you’ll be hooked, retracing every step, much like a cat following a laser pointer, in search of all those hidden goodies you foolishly overlooked.
The game is also filled to the proverbial brim with creatures that want nothing more than to darken your eternal doorstep – like a pack of dogs invading a cat’s nap time. This is where combat comes into play. Now, it’s no secret that combat and I go together about as well as oil and water (or a cat and a bath), but when it comes to Crypt Custodian, I couldn’t get enough.
First off, let me say that the combat has tight controls, and the attacks feel as crisp and delightful as a cat swiping at a dangling string. But what really had me purring with contentment is the game’s abundance of accessibility features.
Not only can you choose your overall difficulty settings, but you can also customize what that means for you, adjusting everything from the timing of puzzles to your overall health and even your damage output.
This means that while the game is always challenging, literally anyone and everyone has a fair shot at experiencing all it has to offer in a way that feels fun and manageable for them – kind of like how every cat finds its own perfect way to climb the highest shelf.
The crux of combat in Crypt Custodian generally revolves around running around, dodge rolling, and weaving through bullet storms. You’ll be triggering attacks and special moves while staying light on your paws. And unlike many other top-down action games, Pluto can jump, meaning that if you time it right, you can live your best cat life by leaping over all projectiles with feline finesse.
But jumping isn’t the only trick up your furry sleeve. As you progress, you’ll be constantly evolving, learning everything from how to dash through the air like a cat chasing a laser to how to split your spirit from your body—a skill you’ll use often to solve puzzles scattered throughout the afterlife.
Crypt Custodian also shines when it comes to passive upgrades hidden throughout the world. These tweaks might seem small at first, but find the right ones, and they can completely change your gameplay. From simple stat boosts to causing every enemy you defeat to explode into bullets for maximum chaos, these upgrades are like finding the purr-fect toy that turns playtime into a frenzy.
Crypt Custodian isn’t just a one-trick pony – or should I say, a one-trick kitty. If you came for the combat and the cats, you’ll almost certainly stay for the challenges scattered throughout the world, like catnip on a lazy afternoon.
From time challenges to chests that only open if you survive a few waves of enemies without taking a hit, to cursed statues that reward you with upgrade points if you can take down a certain number of foes, to good old platforming puzzles, Crypt Custodian has it all.
Overall, as I sit here typing this review, I honestly can’t think of anything I didn’t enjoy about Crypt Custodian. There were no bugs (other than the ones that you’ll meet in the game), and there was also nothing I wish was different or handled in another way.
Instead, I’m just filled with the overwhelming urge to sneak it into everyone I know’s Steam libraries because everyone should give this game a shot – and I really mean that.
Crypt Custodian is a perfect Metroidvania, and if I am lucky, I hope to play it in each of my nine lives.
