Remember when the Asus ROG Strix Scar III was bae? That’s so, like, 2020. It’s 2021 now, the Asus ROG Strix Scar 17 is bae, and you know what, I don’t even think about my ex. Okay, so the two of them have almost the same name, and also look kind of the same, and smell more or less exactly the same too. A total coincidence, and besides, Strixie (this Strixie, I mean, not the other Strixie) is different because our love is real. With Strixie (the other Strixie, not this Strixie), things were much more casual, like one of those OKTinder hookups that the kids talk about on their SnapToks, and the decision to end it was absolutely mutual, but actually it was me who dumped her but let’s keep that between us but it’s not relevant, anyway. Strixie (this Strixie, not the other Strixie) and me, we’re in this #forever. Like, update-my-Facespace-relationship-status #forever, oh-em-squeeeee.
Tomorrow is our two-week semi-anniversary, so that’s a big deal, and we’re gonna start with some romantic benchmark tests and – excuse me, my phone is beeping.
…
Um.
So, this is awkward. She just dumped me. We just broke up. Over text. Not even from her, but from this random “PR” guy who Strixie (EVERY STRIXIE, EVERY TIME) told me not to worry about because “it’s not like that, lol, he’s like an office assistant to me, and he only plugged me in that one time for a joke”. Do office assistants organise courier deliveries, though? Yes. But do office assistants dump break up with me over text because my fake relationship with their review unit has become super creepy? Also yes. Obviously, I got bamboozled.
But guess what, so what. That sexy matte finish, that ultra-skinny bezel, that gorgeous 360Hz screen, that unicorn sparkle dream RGB with the sci-fi spaceship hover lights, and that unexpectedly decent virtual 5.1.2-channel, quad-speaker audio so I didn’t even have to use headphones because wow, that’s got to be a first? I won’t miss those, nuh-uh. That consistent 80 frames-per-second with the graphics dialled up to max, and 40-50 or so with ray-tracing enabled in Remedy’s GPU-nuke simulator Control? Whatever, I finished it on Xbox already. That touchpad gesture support so I can use two fingers to scroll a website up and down? You’re not special, every touchpad has that, I just didn’t find out about it before this week for some reason.
That you were probably the most amazing gaming laptop I’ve ever met? I wasn’t going to tell you this because I was being nice, but you’ve got squishy keys. Maybe your office assistant simp is into that, but not me.