It is 2019. There is war in the Middle-East, Somalia and Sudan and Libya, Mexico. An ex-reality TV star with the unpredictable emotional temperament of a toddler has the US nuke codes. The planet trembles on the precipice of a climate-apocalypse, choking on non-biodegradable plastic bags and coffee pods. And two grown-up men are in court, because one of them called the other one a “pedo guy” on Twitter.
First, some context.
On 23 June 2018, twelve members of a junior soccer team and the assistant coach got stuck in the Tham Luang Nang Non cave in Chiang Rai Province, Thailand. The rescue operation was complicated by increasingly difficult conditions, as monsoon season rain and subsequent flooding pushed the boys and 25-year old Ekkaphon Chanthawong approximately four kilometres into the cave, and impeded divers’ endeavours to safely extract them.
Vern Unsworth, a British cave specialist residing in Thailand, joined the rescue operation, which also included Navy SEALs, the US Air Force, Australian police services, and hundreds of other military, civilian, and corporate volunteers. Also, Tesla CEO Elon Musk, who commissioned the design and construction of a mini-submarine at one of his engineering facilities.
A useless mini-submarine, which Unsworth – who, remember, is a cave specialist and specialises in caves – explained “had absolutely no chance of working”, due to the restrictive geometry of the cave structure. The response from media was equally unimpressed and even sceptical of Musk’s real intentions, with claims that it was simply a publicity opportunity for his company.
So, Musk – who, remember, is not a cave specialist, and does not specialise in caves – conceded to the cave specialist’s cave specialism, and backed out. Except, no, he didn’t, he got mad, and in a series of since-deleted tweets, implied that Unsworth was into kids. You know, like that.
Except not like that.
But… kind of like that?
Unsworth sued Musk for libel, and now it’s up to mommy and daddy the court to decide.
Musk’s defence testimony, presented to jurors in Los Angeles this week, is that he didn’t mean “pedo guy” to actually mean “pedo guy”, but instead to mean “creepy guy”. A compelling assertion, perhaps (but perhaps not), if it weren’t undermined by Musk’s hiring of private investigator James Howard, who told Musk he had verified information that Unsworth had married a 12-year old girl backing up the “pedo guy” thing that wasn’t supposed to mean “pedo guy” at the time, but I dunno, just for funsies or whatever. The contract included a $10,000 bonus if Howard could provide this evidence of Unsworth’s misconduct. Howard did not provide this evidence. Howard is also a convicted felon and scammer, so this isn’t exactly unexpected.
It’s also not super important.
What’s much more important, I think, is that this is even real. That a 40-something billionaire entrepreneur who presumably has meetings with investors and frequents posh cocktail parties and shit, called some random person a “pedo guy” on Twitter over a stupid mini-submarine. That the same /b/-grade insult, according to Unsworth’s allegation, constituted “a PR campaign to destroy Mr. Unsworth’s reputation by publishing false and heinous accusations of criminality”. That who said what, and what it even means, is subject to a tedious legal process funded by public taxes.
And that, with millions of free GIFs available online, neither Musk nor Unsworth could resolve this like fucking adults.
