SPOILERS. OBVIOUSLY.
After two episodes of talking, nostalgic feels, and… not so much else, season eight of Game of Thrones dialled everything up to 11 with its third episode – INCLUDING DRAMATIC KILLINGS OF PRINCIPLE CHARACTERS. It’s about time.
THE BODY COUNT
Edd Tollett
The first one to die. Because somebody had to.
Melisandre
Not exactly unexpected because she predicts it at the start of the episode, but as an extra bonus, we won’t have to endure any more smug, sanctimonious proselytising about the Lord of Light. So much for that, huh? But she died doing what she loved most – getting undressed. Bye, Red Witch. It’s been real.
Theon Greyjoy
This was inevitable, though, and kind of a mercy for the dickless traitor.
Jorah Mormont
And this is the one I tuned in for. As he rushed to save Daenerys, because this would be the moment he’d bank enough good boy points for a sex with Khaleesi, Ser Friendzone’s creep campaign was abruptly ended by zombies. His dreams made dust, by a nightmarish cataclysm of dust. Metaphorical as fuck.
Lyanna Mormont
She died as she lived – proving that whatever the boys can do, she can do too. A feminist hero.
Beric Dondarrion
Oh, that‘s Beric. I thought it was the other guy.
Viserion
Technically, he was already dead. But now he’s proper dead.
Most of the Unsullied
Level one armour against an unrelenting horde of the undead? That was never going to work.
Every Dothraki
Same mistake as the Unsullied. I mean, fur? No, my dudes.
The Night King
If it wasn’t Arya, it would’ve been that scalp rash. Arya got in first.
Not Tyrion
But oooooh, it got uncomfortably close.
What next?
Everybody marches on King’s Landing. Jaime kills Cersei, The Mountain kills Jaime, Brienne kills The Mountain, Daenerys and Jon decide that, actually, this ruling the Seven Kingdoms thing is too much tedious admin and go and have incest-babies instead (or they kill each other), Gendry wins the Iron Throne.