Valve president Gabe Newell has confirmed that Half-Life 3 is in development and expected to launch on the Epic Games Store in 2027, maybe. The game is an online free-to-play battle royale with unskippable cutscenes for mobile devices and Nintendo Switch, and introduces theoretical pheminist Gordonia Freewoman as the franchise’s new female protagonist and a love interest for Alyx Vance who is actually a lesbian and totally not into the guys who’ve been fantasising about her since 2004, sorry. Captain Marvel will make a cameo.
Also, the Combine is a metaphor for the patriarchy, the Gravity Gun represents the unequal dating economics of the liberal new world order, Dog is a poly, non-binary robosexual otherkin who isn’t into you either, and the plot is about gender, politics, and gender politics, and also problematic things. Half-Life 3 will feature a Super Duper Easy mode and no other difficulty modes, and also censors violence and replaces it with links to internet resources about the correlation between video games and school shootings.
And it’s got random loot boxes.
And it’s in the style of that She-Ra reboot.
And it includes a copy of the game exclusively with pre-orders.
(What did I miss?)